sinnamon's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- cuts I watched this episode of 90210 today. Okay stop laughing. Anyway, it was about cutting. Cutting has become one of the TV drama norms. One of the usual suspects from the list of plot ideas : drugs, alcoholism, gambling, physical abuse and, of course, delivering babies in an elevator. The whole plot of this show was so ridiculous. The cutter, an unattractive girl fresh outta college, cut herself on her forearms whenever someone yelled at her. The girl was overly accommodating, eager to please, and full of self-hatred. According to the show, those characteristics are common among cutters. Where the hell did they get that info? When I was cutting I was not an eager to please, sweet, helpful girl. I wasn�t full of self-hatred either. It was a stupid, but very effective way of dealing with my out-of-control emotions. The cuts, which were very carefully hidden, were like gills, like giving my skin air to breathe before I suffocated in my unrestrained emotions. I was never that stupid girl on TV who was �crying out for help.� I was never any of the people that seem to dominate prime time TV. We aren�t idiots. A bimbo with fake boobs and a nice Daddy isn't going to fix us in the allotted time slot by telling us that hurting ourselves is bad (mmkay?). I found the show annoying, embarrassing, and definitely stupid. Cutters are very good at hiding their habits. You probably know a cutter right now and have no idea. We don�t need TV shows and pamphlets telling us how we are supposed to be. And it�s always private. I never wanted anyone to know, so I never did it in places where I would get caught. I took apart my shaving razors; I never bought any special equipment. I never sliced up my forearms or my face; all cuts where in places that stayed covered. Other cutters I knew were like me, carefully hidden. Only talking to each other about the habit. Kind of a depressing issue for this diary I know. But I guess it�s important to point out that appearances are deceiving. If I didn�t tell you, would you have known I cut myself for years? Probably not. I guess I also wanted to reassure anyone else in that place right now: you are not the only one. When I started cutting myself, I thought I was the only person. I thought I had invented it! I have got one huge ego. Anyway, when I found out that other people did it, it shocked the hell out of me and I felt relieved. Hey, I am not the only crazy bastard on this planet eh? I haven�t cut myself in a long time. A year, I guess, maybe more. Doesn�t seem as long as it feels. And even know I feel the urge, the pressure building, but I haven�t been tempted enough to participate. I once heard someone compare it to alcoholism. Once you become a cutter, there isn't any going back. It�s an urge you have to deal with for the rest of your life. I agree. I don�t think �Hey I used to be a cutter.� I am a cutter. But I�ve been strong the past year and I am proud of myself. I just hope I can stay that way. 11:08 PM - 032801 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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