sinnamon's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- scared damnit So I am graduating in less than a month and I still haven't gotten my cap and gown. I think I dread it knowing that in order to get the lovely cap, they will have to measure my head. Then they will probably tell me "oh I am sorry, but we don't have any caps that will fit your enormous dome." And I will have to be the only capless graduate out there. I am seriously less than stoked to sit out in black in June with a bunch of other kids I barely know to pick up some empty fake scroll. Especially since people graduating with honors don't get any special danglys damnit. I WANTED SPECIAL DANGLYS. All we get is some seal on our diplomas and our name is some book. Joy. Rapture. I'd skip the whole thing if my grandmother wasn't flying up to see it. But honestly, and shh don't tell anyone, I am scared to graduate. There is all of this shit hanging over the horizon, decisions I have to make, loans that are hovering. The thought of dealing with finances terrifies me because, for me, it's that last final step into adulthood where there is no turning back. Bill was talking about getting a mortgage on the house to finance repair work and suddenly I realized that a mortgage would be OUR mortgage. That shit is scary. I've always thought of things as, he owns our house and the store, I just live there. But when he started consulting me on my thoughts about the house, it dawned on me that all that stuff belongs to me too. And, let's face it, I know less than jack about financial crap. Some woman at school was trying to talk to me about my loans but I was too busy playing "how would I kill this boring bitch" in my head to really listen. Luckily, Bill, having been a grownup for a long time, already knows how to deal with most of this stuff. I feel like a baby, totally ignorant in the "real world." I am glad I don't have to work it all out on my own. Just writing about this stuff is giving me a Tony Soprano anxiety attack. So yeah, I am scared. Because I don't want to be an adult. Pretty soon I will have to make a "final decision" on my career, children, and other scary stuff. Can't I just be an irresponsible twenty year old forever? 12:25 PM - 051904 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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