sinnamon's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- only human Someone finally asked me for soul. It�s been nearly a year since I�ve written there and most of the time I completely forget that the diary exists. I said anyone who wanted it was free to ask me for it. Almost a year later, someone finally did. So I handed over the password, smiling because the person asking for it seems to be perfect for the diary. Somewhat surprised that someone wants it. Then I remembered I had left some of my entries still there, hidden away of course, but still on the site. I logged in and one by one deleted them all. But not before saving them on my hard drive. And not before reading some of them. Wow. When I think about how I got here from there, it overwhelms me. So many things happened. Reading the entries took me back to feelings I had forgotten, people that I hardly think about now. It�s like I had just conveniently misplaced all my memories of then and suddenly remembered where I put them. It almost felt like a violation, rereading everything I wrote there. Compounded hills of emotional bullshit all rolled into one diary. Now I look at it and scoff at how incredibly foolish I was. But I also feel pity because I really and truly thought all my feelings were genuine. But time has shown that feelings can be washed away with days and days of new life and new feelings to overwrite the old ones. I thought I would never, ever get over Adam. But here I am. Fine, still alive, no longer writing melodramatic heartbroken memoirs about "The Way We Were" and "What Could Have Been." I don�t want to relive that kind of overpowering depression again. I don�t want to be put back in that type of place. I definitely don�t want to ever sacrifice myself for unrealistic dreams of love and romance again. I try to think: �Hey, love can come and go, but you are always going to be stuck with yourself.� That way I won�t give up what I�ve got going for me on a small chance of love. I try to think that I have given up all idealistic dreams and naivete. I admit, I love being in love. It�s hard to be bitter and jaded all the time. At least for me it is. Sometimes people surprise you, knock you over when you least expect it and bam! You are back in na�ve land where forever seems like a possibility. But how can you love someone totally with the belief that it�s not going to last? It�s hard to find a nice medium between starry-eyed and bitter. And it�s hard not to overanalyze. But hell, I am only human :) 01:11 PM - 032501 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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